Great Expectations

“How come you didn’t call me last night?”

“I’m sorry, I was swamped with work.”

“Too busy to even think about me? What’s more important, your work or your girlfriend?”

“What? I…”

It is not too difficult to see where this unpleasant dialogue is heading. Unfortunately, this type of argument comes up all too frequently in relationships, especially once you’ve gotten over the initial excitement of getting to know each other and have now settled into everyday life. The reason for this is actually quite simple: As a relationship develops, you also begin to develop a set of expectations for each other, whether consciously or subconsciously. When someone fails to meet an expectation, tension breaks out, often leading to arguments. Relationships continue if you are able to meet and satisfy each other’s expectations, and they fail if certain expectations cannot be met. Throughout a relationship, your expectations may evolve. In fact, relationships can be thought of as a continuum of three “stages” based on what you expect from each other.

When your paths first cross, there are no expectations. In fact, many relationships start out as a as a surprise encounter. Perhaps that cute guy you met the other day calls you up suddenly to ask you out.  Or you receive a Facebook message from someone you’ve always wanted to get to know better. Or maybe you receive a bouquet of flowers at your office one day from someone whom you would have least expected. All of these actions lead to a rush of excitement that can only be felt when you are truly caught by surprise.

As you begin to get to know each other better, hopes start to develop. You stay up late hoping for a call and check your phone every few minutes in hopes of a text.  Each time you see each other, you hope to get just a little closer than last time. You hope for that first small physical gesture of caring, that first kiss, or that first confession of feelings. When these hopes are realized, you are no longer surprised, but rather, happy and reassured.

As you settle into a steady relationship, expectations begin to form. These expectations are influenced by your own beliefs and values, the behavior of others around you, as well as the standards set at the beginning of the relationship. For instance, perhaps you feel that it is important to call each other every day as a way to express your care and concern and to remind each other that you are thinking of one another. This may have been influenced by what you’ve observed in your friends’ relationships, as well as movies, books, and other media. Lastly, perhaps you called each other every day when you were just starting out, and you think things should continue this way. A small act that was at first an unexpected surprise, then turned into something you hoped for, has now become something that you expect every night.

When you don’t get something you were hoping for, you feel disappointed, but you do not blame the person because it was only a hope, something that would have been nice to have. However, not getting something you were expecting leads to resentment. This is a challenge that many relationships face and one of the reasons why relationships end up not working out. In a failed relationship, you begin to take each other for granted, expecting things to happen automatically and only noticing when things go wrong. In contrast, it requires effort, cooperation, and dedication in order to both understand and fulfill each other’s needs.  As you work together to create the optimal balance between setting and meeting expectations, this last stage eventually evolves into a deep trust for each other, paving the way for a long-lasting relationship.

Expanding Your Comfort Zone

Everyone has their own comfort zone: a set of situations and activities where they feel at ease, relaxed, and fully themselves. Our comfort zone is an important aspect of who we are and a key driver of the decisions we make. We often perform optimally within our comfort zones.

However, throughout our lives we are constantly faced with situations that require us to step out of our comfort zones, even if only temporarily. The ability to perform effectively while outside of our comfort zones is crucial to success, and because of this, many of us make a strong effort to put ourselves in new or unfamiliar situations in order to expand our comfort zones. However, just putting ourselves in those situations is not enough. The way in which we handle these situations has a large impact on how much we ultimately get out of pushing ourselves beyond our normal comfort levels.

Imagine walking into a room full of strangers, whether it is at a party, networking event, or conference. Many people, especially those who are more introverted, would feel at least somewhat out of their comfort zone in this situation. However, their reactions may differ quite significantly. Someone who is extremely proactive would make it a point to meet and talk to as many new people as possible. In contrast, someone who is very passive may keep to themselves the whole time, hovering by the food and drinks and maybe saying hi once in a while. Even though both have stepped out of their comfort zone, the results are very different. The person who was proactive in meeting new people not only gained new connections, but improved their ability to successfully handle this type of social situation. On the other hand, the person who hung around passively gained much less from the experience. They could go to a large number of these types of events, but if they kept up their passivity, there would be no improvement and they would continue to feel uncomfortable when faced with similar situations in the future.

Stretching yourself means not only seeking out situations that are outside your comfort zone, but dealing with the situation in a way that makes the most out of the challenges it brings. As you push yourself to proactively face the aspects that are most difficult for you, your comfort level will grow, and over time, your comfort zone will expand. 

Re-thinking Work-Life Balance

Work-life balance is a continuous problem that many of us struggle with starting from Day 1 in the work force. Dozens of books and articles have been written on this topic, and it is one of the top reasons for workplace dissatisfaction. Part of the problem stems from the fact that work and life are not balanced to begin with. The average full-time worker spends at least 8 hours a day, or the majority of their waking hours, at work. This leaves just a few precious hours after work each evening to dedicate to "life", which usually means spending time with family and friends, or pursuing non-work related hobbies or tasks.

So when we refer to work-life "balance", we are not really referring to balance in the literal sense; the see-saw is always tipped towards work simply based on the structure of the workplace which we are accustomed to. More so, we are referring to the extent to which we can "protect" our non-work time from the demands of the workplace. A common strategy is to develop a very thick barrier between work and life. Many people, as much as the nature of their work allows, make a point of disconnecting themselves completely from work as soon as they exit the building at 5 pm every afternoon, turning their full attention to family, friends, and any non-work activities planned for that evening. Something similar happens during the weekends. It is almost as if there are two switches in the brain, one for work and one for non-work, which are designed to be on one at a time, but never both at the same time.

While this approach has its advantages, especially from the perspective of ensuring that work does not take over your life, it may also be a source of inefficiency. For instance, putting work (which can often be difficult or frustrating) into a distinctly separated bucket from personal life (often relaxing and pleasant) may only aggravate any dislike you have for your job. It results in your mind having to unnecessarily toggle between two "modes": At 5 pm, your mind and body relax as you happily anticipate an evening at home. The next day when your alarm wakes you up at 7 am, your mind is forced to switch back to work mode, your body tenses, and you unwillingly pull yourself up and head out the door. This mindset exaggerates the excitement we feel on a Friday afternoon, but it is also the reason for the "Sunday blues", when we reluctantly switch our minds back to the issues and problems we left off with last week. Work may seem more burdensome than it actually is and something you have to "put up with". This decreases your proactivity and enthusiasm for work, making it even less enjoyable.

Consider an alternate way of handling the work-life balance issue, where instead of having that hard brick wall between work and personal life, we allow work to penetrate our lives naturally. I'm not saying that you should be checking your email during a fun night out with friends, or talking on the phone with your boss during your kid's soccer game. This is more about accepting work as an integral part of your life and who you are, as opposed to something you need to "get out of the way" before you can get on with your "real life". Of course, this is much easier said than done, but there are a few simple things you can do to help yourself embrace your work and let it in to your life.

1. Talk about what you do, to whatever extent possible. Obviously, you shouldn't be giving away proprietary information about your job or company, but you should be able to talk easily about your job to your friends, family, and even strangers as if you were chatting about any other subject. Often, we have trouble communicating or coming up with ideas at work because we haven't fully immersed ourselves in the content enough to be able to speak fluently on the subject. Imagine talking to a friend about a cute guy you just met, or about the amazing concert you went to last night. You were probably excited and very engaged in the conversation, so that the words came out easily, almost requiring no thinking at all. You didn't need to think about what to say beforehand or rehearse your lines. If you train yourself to talk about your work as if you were talking about any other interesting subject, then your presentations, client pitches, or even just informal conversations will start feeling like a natural part of your daily life, rather than isolated occurrences that you need to stress out about and specially prepare for.

2. Develop meaningful relationships at work. Many people strictly adhere to the rule that friends only exist outside of work. Although this is often good advice to follow, this doesn't mean that you should neglect building strong relationships with your co-workers. Your life contains many different types of relationships: family, friends (any many subsets of friends), lovers, to name a few. Your relationship with your co-workers is a special type of relationship that is just as important to nurture as any of your other relationships. Just because you wouldn't go out and party with your co-workers, or confide in them your deepest, darkest secrets, doesn't mean that they are unimportant. Working on developing camaraderie and working friendships in the workplace will not only make you more successful, but make work a meaningful place where you'll look forward to being each day.

3. Allow yourself to think about work after hours. While it is important to set aside time each day to unwind and put your mind out of work, you don't need to force yourself to completely block off work after hours. Keep an open mind and treat your work as an endeavor that can be continuously fostered and improved upon. Perhaps you will come across an article while browsing the Internet that may come in handy the next day, or maybe a casual conversation will give you some valuable insight for a current project you are working on. Giving yourself the freedom and flexibility to think and ponder a bit about work, without the daytime pressure of having to meet deadlines, may allow you to come up with creative solutions or ideas that you might otherwise have missed.

In summary, work-life balance is not just about allocating the right amount of time to each (because from a time standpoint work will always win!). Rather, it is about achieving a harmonious blend of the two, so that you can go about life seamlessly, and enjoyably, transitioning from one to the other.

Shaping of the "Quiet Nerdy Asian": What we can learn (and not learn) from Chinese education

It is hardly a news-worthy observation that Asians* tend to excel in academics. And by excel, I mean acing every single test, flawless report cards, and perfect SAT scores. Winner of the regional math competition? Mostly likely Asian. Winner of the local piano competition? Most likely Asian as well. And we do it with what seems like very little pain or effort.

But it is also apparent that while Asians dominate in some areas, there are also areas with hardly any Asians. When was the last time you saw one playing at the football game at your local high school? Or as the star in your school's rendition of a Broadway musical? Often, it appears that Asians are in the background, doing activities that involve more brain-power and less action, while their non-Asian peers are putting themselves out there, stealing the spotlight. Hence, the image of the "quiet nerdy Asian" was formed.

Going to school in a small town with relatively few Asians, I got the following comments from my classmates (and sometimes, even teachers) time and time again:
"Wow, you are so smart! How do you get such good grades?"
"How come you never talk?"
I never really knew what to say when people asked me these questions. Over time, I've realized that the answer is actually not that simple, and a lot of it can be explained by looking at the underlying differences between Chinese and American education. The truth is that we are not "born this way", but rather, we were shaped this way from the values that were instilled in us and the culture that influenced us.

For a typical American student, homework represents a significant part of their school day. Starting from grade school, teachers give out homework assignments that students are expected to complete on time or risk being penalized. A student that successfully completes the homework assignments every day is considered a good student and rewarded for it. A student's main goal for each school day is to finish the homework; once homework is completed, the student forgets about school for the rest of the day and engages in other activities. Growing up in a Chinese household, things were completely different. Homework was never the endpoint, but rather, just the beginning. The expectation was to always go above and beyond the assignment that was due the next day. For instance, if the teacher asked the class to do all the odd math problems in the current chapter, you could be sure that I would do all the even problems as well. If the class was currently on Chapter 4 of the textbook, I would have already skimmed Chapter 5. In elementary and middle school, my parents often had to push me to go above and beyond, and I often found it very difficult to make myself do what seemed like extra work, while the rest of the class could get away with just doing the homework assignment. Gradually, however, I began to notice that my effort was paying off:  I seemed to be developing a deeper understanding of the concepts compared to my peers, acing the majority of tests, and picking up new material much more quickly. In time, this became a habit and not something I had to force myself to do.

It turns out that reinforcement is a key aspect in Chinese education, the idea being that much like an athlete or a musician, the student must practice consistently in order to really master the material. In many cases, such as math or spelling, the "practice makes perfect" ideology really works. These subjects require repetitive practice until they become second nature, so that you can then utilize them whenever you need to. However, it is also important to realize that these skills are a means, not an end, and are only valuable if they can be applied in a useful way.  Doing so involves critical thinking, which cannot be learned by simply doing a bunch of homework problems. Unfortunately, Chinese education often lacks a little in this aspect, as the focus is heavily weighted towards the skills and not the actual problems these skills can solve. In contrast, American schools help students to develop problem-solving skills by allowing them more room to grow and move at their own pace. Instead of burdening students with a large amount schoolwork, teachers encourage students to engage in more interactive projects or to explore on their own. Without the constraint of having to complete a large amount of homework each day, students have more time to think creatively about the lessons learnt and how to apply them in real life.

At an early age, American children are taught that they have a voice and are provided a safe environment in which they are free to express their thoughts and ideas. In classrooms, teachers encourage students to speak up and challenge the ideas and concepts they are learning, with the notion that it is perfectly okay to be wrong. Students who raise their hand often and participate actively in class are most often the teacher's favorites, while a student who is too quiet may be criticized for appearing to be bored or disengaged. On the contrary, Chinese children are generally taught to be humble and listen to their elders, absorbing in years of wisdom and advice until they are knowledgeable enough to contribute their own opinions. In Chinese schools, the teacher is revered as an authority figure that should not be challenged. There is far less room for open discussion, as students are expected to accept what is being taught to them, at least while in the classroom, as a form of respect to the teacher. The ability to sit quietly and focus is considered a virtue.

This difference may be one of the reasons that Asian students are generally perceived to be quieter and more reserved compared to their peers. Even more, it also explains why Asians tend to be so good at activities that involve intense periods of concentration, many of which are often considered to be "nerdy" compared to other more social activities: playing classical music, competing in math/science/chess competitions, and of course, studying and test-taking. Indeed, many subjects cannot be learned through talking and discussing; it really takes a few hours of sitting quietly by yourself in order to digest the material. On the other hand, Asians often feel at a loss in situations that require them to speak up or be in the spotlight. For instance, in classes such as English or history which involve a large amount of debate and discussion, it is typically non-Asian students who tend to dominate the conversation, while Asian students are less likely to voice their opinions or challenge what others are saying. Even in the work setting, I have noticed that my American colleagues are not only more vocal, but speak with more confidence and persuasiveness than the Asians on the team.

As the above examples show, there are definitely advantages and flaws in both the American and Chinese education systems. American students would benefit from learning from their disciplined and focused Asian peers, while Asian students should learn to speak up and think outside the box more often. In the end, the key to improving education will be to understand the differences between education systems and borrow from the positive aspects of each system.


*Note: I use the term "Asian" and "American" a bit loosely here, for simplicity's sake. By "Asian", I am referring to people with East Asian descent (particularly Chinese, as a matter of fact). By "American", I am mostly referring to Caucasian, as well as anyone who has been in North America for many generations and is deeply rooted in its culture.

Risk

Sometimes, I feel as though I don't take on enough risks. Not life-risking endeavors like jumping off a cliff or wandering through a bad part of Oakland at night, but more like mental and emotional risk. I've realized that many of the skills or activities I've struggled with involve some degree of that type of mental or emotional risk. For example, I've always wanted (and have made many attempts) to learn how to improvise songs on the piano. Improvising is basically a series of small risks, one after another. Each time you play a new phrase that strikes you, there are two possible outcomes: it will sound good and you can keep building on the theme, or it will sound unpleasant and you will have to quickly think of a different route to take. The uncertainty of improvisation makes it a difficult skill to learn for risk-averse people, who may prefer the safety of sheet music, where each note is laid out with great certainty. In fact, the hardest part of improvisation for me is not coming up with a musical idea, but having the courage to play it and hear what it actually sounds like.

Now that I think of it, all creative endeavors involve some sort of risk. When you come up with a creative idea, you are essentially putting yourself out there, rocking the boat, and challenging the status quo. You risk the fact that your idea may be criticized, rejected, or ridiculed by others. You also risk the fact that your idea may not turn out to be as great as you had hoped. I've realized that often, a bit of risk-taking is required to move forward. Perhaps, instead of always taking the straightest path with the highest level of visibility, I should steer slightly off course into a windier path where you can't always see exactly what's beyond each turn. Who knows, maybe I'll find something pleasantly surprising.

The Art of (Real) Listening

Listening is a rather difficult and often underrated skill that is nevertheless crucial to successful communication. Recently, I’ve found that in trying to make myself heard and get recognized for my ideas, I’ve let my listening skills slide a little.
Below are a few conversation blunders I’ve caught myself committing, which I’m sure many of us have been guilty of at some point.

• Thinking about what you're going to say next instead of focusing on what the other person is saying. This often happens when a thought or idea strikes you while someone else is speaking. Instead of actively listening, you simply wait for a pause so that you can jump in.
• Hearing what you want to hear instead of what is actually being said. We naturally want others to agree with us, so often, we may interpret what we hear incorrectly in favor of thoughts and ideas that are aligned with our own. In fact, the other person might have brought up an entirely different or contradicting point.
• Thinking about what you just said instead of listening to the other person's response. One example of this is meeting someone new and then completely forgetting their name within 5 minutes. A reason for this is that we are so caught up with introducing ourselves and making a good first impression that we fail to register the other's response of "Hi, I'm so-and-so."

I've also realized that just because someone is quiet doesn't automatically make them a good listener. On the contrary, for those who are more reserved, sometimes the pressure of having to speak up may make you less engaged as a listener. You may spend most of your time trying to think of something to say and feeling self-conscious, rather than engaging in the conversation. This becomes a bad cycle, because the less engaged you are, the less information you will pick up, and the less likely you will have something to say on the topic.

The first step to becoming a good listener is to be conscious of the issue. Communication is a two-way exchange that involves not only expressing your own thoughts, but hearing what others have to say as well. A frequent misconception is that if someone is not talking, then they must be listening. However, there is a difference between appearing to be listening and actually understanding what others are saying. Truly listening means not only keeping your mouth zipped, but even more, turning off your own preconceptions and biases for the time being and opening your mind to the other person’s thoughts and ideas. Then, when it is your turn to speak, you will be able to respond by both addressing what you have just heard and incorporating your own opinions, leading to a productive and enjoyable conversation.

Believing the Unreal

I first learned about the difference between "believable" and "realistic", two words which sound similar but have entirely different meanings, in my high school English class. The topic came up during a very open-ended assignment in which we were asked to write a short story about anything we wanted. We were introduced to this concept as one of the keys components of a good story, and ever since, the idea has intrigued me.

The meaning of "realistic" is pretty straightforward: Something that is realistic could actually happen in real life. However, the concept of "believable" is a bit more complex. It has little to do with how close to reality something is, but rather, refers to the audience's perception of reality as they read, watch, or listen to the story. Something that is realistic is obviously believable, but something not quite so realistic can be portrayed in a way that makes it believable.

Now that I think of it, the most memorable books I've read or movies I've seen have this "believable" quality. Even though most of these stories include aspects that are beyond the scope of reality, they are told in a way that makes you believe, for a moment, that what is happening is real. They draw you into the fictitious world that the author or director has created, and until you pull yourself out of that world by closing the book or turning off the screen, you don't question whether the story could actually happen in real life.

So what exactly makes a story "believable"? Here are a few characteristics I've noticed based on the ones that have really stood out to me.

- The author describes the scene and characters so vividly that you can visualize every detail. Also, the descriptions invoke all your senses so that you feel as if you were right there.

-The story reflects some aspect of real life or some real-life thought or concept. It doesn't matter how far away from reality the plot and characters are, but in the end, the story must offer something that the audience can relate to.

- The story must be coherent and flow logically. The key here is that the "logic" doesn't necessarily have to follow real life; it just has to follow the rules of reality established in the story itself.

An Unexpected Lesson

On the way home from work the other day, I overheard a surprisingly inspiring conversation in one of the least inspiring of locations: a crowded, stuffy BART train. It was the usual 6 pm rush hour, and as I squeezed my way into one of the cars, I noticed a young girl sitting in a corner on a stool. More people filed in, and a middle-aged man came in and also stood in that same corner, where it was noticeably less crowded.

We began to move, and a few moments later, I heard the man speak to the girl.

“That’s smart of you to bring your own chair.”

“Yeah,” the girl replied. “I’ve been doing this every day for a while now. I stand all day at work, so this chair has been a real lifesaver!”

This started a dialogue that lasted for several stops. The pair was close enough to me that I could hear every word clearly without intentionally eavesdropping. It was the first time in a while that I had heard two strangers strike up a meaningful conversation on BART, where most of the time people were too tired, hot, or grumpy to be in the mood for conversation.

I quickly learned that the girl worked as a cashier at a salad bar in the Financial District, and that she had just graduated from culinary school. What really struck me was the way in which she spoke about her job. She described the salads as if they were her creations (“All of our ingredients are organic, and we make our dressings in-house, from scratch!”), and talked about the business as if she owned it (“Our papaya salad is getting really popular – we sold about 10 a day last month, but we’re up to 50 this month!”).It was clear that she had a strong passion for her job and really believed in her company’s mission of providing high-quality, healthy and delicious salads to customers. When the man asked if the menu contained calorie information, she replied, “Hmm, we don’t have that, but that’s a great idea! I’ll speak to my manager about it!” Her proactivity would have led anyone to believe that she was much more than just an employee at the cash register. In fact, she made the salads sound so good that I was craving for one by the time I got off the train!

The conversation reminded me of all the times I’ve heard others complain about their job – whether it was how tedious, how repetitive, or how difficult. Yet this girl, whose job was, in many ways, less than glamorous, was able to maintain such a positive attitude. She, like so many others, could have easily just sat on her stool and complained about how tiring it was to stand all day and how frustrating it was to deal with customer after customer. Instead, she was able to look past all that and really focus on the heart of the business, taking it upon herself to help improve and grow the business.

Success is often not the result of what you choose to do, but rather, how you choose to do it. In other words, you may not have complete control over the type of job you land in, but you have full control over the attitude you bring to your job. Do you simply show up, go through the motions, and watch the clock tick by? Or do you make the effort to learn and understand your work, and continuously strive to make a positive impact? Often, this means the difference between a boring, meaningless job, and one that is filled with excitement and opportunities. 

Career Dilemmas

Which is more important: Working for a cause you believe in, or enjoying the nature of your work?

Often, the two don’t exactly coincide. To use an extreme example, many people would agree that helping out starving children in poor developing countries is a worthwhile cause, but most would not actually venture out into the harsh conditions of sub-Saharan Africa to work for this cause. On the flip side, you may enjoy working in the luxury of an air-conditioned office building in mid-town Manhattan, but the thought of helping others trade securities for a living isn't aligned with your life goals.

One way of finding what you "believe in" is to think about what you believe will add value to society. Sometimes, this is not easy to gauge. Adding value itself is a very subjective term to begin with, as there is really no concrete way to measure value. In the end, it has to do with your own perceptions of what will make a positive impact. To some, adding value could be something as simple as creating a useful smartphone app for a small group of users. For others, it may mean conducting research on potential treatments for a widely prevalent disease.

Nature of the work refers to what you do on a day-to-day basis and encompasses all the practical aspects of work that may affect your quality of life, such as work environment, salary, and the types of people you interact with. These are not directly related to the ideas or content of the work, but are nevertheless important because they directly affect how we feel physically and emotionally.

Career dilemmas are often the result of a conflict between the two, and a decision has to be made which compromises one aspect. Sometimes, one aspect will clearly triumph over the other. For example, in rare instances, you may feel so strongly about a cause that you are willing to endure any hardships or inconveniences in the nature of your work in order to achieve your goal. On the other hand, if you have non-work related goals that you value more, then your career decision may be driven more by the nature of work that gives you the lifestyle you want and allows you to pursue activities that are important to you, such as raising a family or spending time on hobbies.

More often though, finding the right career is a balance of the two.  Imagine a two-by-two matrix, like the one shown below. Your career options can be divided into four quadrants based on where they fall in terms of the two aspects: For example, those ideal careers in which you both believe in the cause and enjoy the nature of the work would fall in the upper right. Where you end up in the matrix depends on what is most important to you at the moment, and many people end up somewhere near the center.

One last thought: Where does interest come into play here? The answer is, in both. Interest could refer to interest in the idea behind the product or service you are working on, or it could refer to interest in the day-to-day tasks the work requires. For example, ideally a software engineer would have an interest in the ideas and potential impact of the product he is developing, but in addition, also have an interest in the day-to-day coding and algorithm development.

Some Thoughts on Valentine's Day

I still remember back in the day, when I was in elementary school, Valentine's Day was this great big fun arts and crafts party. The night before, I would sit quietly at the dining table and with the utmost care, prepare 20 perfect little valentines. One year, I made pink flowers out of construction paper. Another year, I had Pokemon-themed valentine cards ("I choose YOU, to be my Valentine!"). The rule was that everyone in the class had to get one, and at the end of the school day, I'd leave happily with a little paper bag filled with 20 different valentines and a tummy full of heart-shaped candy and pink-frosted cupcakes.

Things changed dramatically when I got to middle school and high school. The “everyone-gets-one” rule was lifted, and Valentine's Day suddenly became a popularity contest of who got the most gifts, the most chocolates, the most heart-shaped balloons. It was a day of pretentious oohs and ahhs, giddy hugs, and high-pitched squeals. Everyone was so absorbed with their own little pink and red collection that the real meaning of the holiday was long forgotten. A quiet student who was definitely not in the popular crowd, I quickly grew to dread the infamous February day.

When I started dating my first boyfriend, my attitude changed yet again. Finally, the day truly meant something, and there was a real reason to celebrate. As our first Valentine’s Day together approached, I imagined a “perfect” night together, complete with all the typical props: red roses, lit candles, chocolates, and a romantic steak dinner with red wine (even though I don’t like wine!). There would be soft music playing in the background, and we would sit and talk quietly about anything and everything, letting the evening drift slowly into night, like we had all the time in the world.

Unfortunately, reality was a different story. To begin with, attempting to dine in a fancy restaurant on the evening of Valentine’s Day was a futile idea, and the long wait, large crowds, and clanging of dishes shattered my hopes for a quiet, romantic evening. Even more, since it was a weeknight with the pressure of getting up early the next morning, the idea of staying up late in each other’s company was not very practical, . Moreover, I had had a stressful day at work and part of me wanted to do nothing but curl up on the couch and read a book.

All in all, although I've had some enjoyable Valentine’s Days, somehow, no matter who I was with or what I was doing, it never turned out to be as good as I had dreamt it up to be. The extravagant commercials and flashy store decorations that mark this holiday have become so ingrained in us that we've come to expect a degree of magic and splendor that just doesn't exist.

In the end, Valentine’s Day is not about the chocolates, the flowers, or the cards, but rather, it is about taking the time to show your special someone just how important they are to you. It is about showing them how much you care and how much you appreciate all they have done for you. It is a time to celebrate the love and effort you have both put into your relationship. 

There is a famous song with a line that goes, “If you fall in love with the right person, then everyday will be like Valentine’s Day.”And when you think about it, it couldn't be more true. When you are really with the right person, you should already be doing all of those things anyway, and more than just once a year!

So, I hope everyone has a great Valentine’s Day, but I also hope that you will remember to look beyond the overwhelming sea of pink and red, and give some thought to what the day is really about.

Introverts vs. Extroverts

I recently read the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking", by Susan Cain. As a definite introvert who has come across only too many situations where I wished I were just a little more extroverted, it was not only encouraging to learn about the advantages of being introverted, but also eye-opening to see just how complex and fascinating human nature really is.

Cain starts out by explaining how the "Extrovert Ideal" came to be, and how it has made such a dominant footprint in our culture. She then goes on to talk about the biologic differences between introverts and extroverts. Following this, Cain analyzes how the unique strengths of introverts may be advantageous in certain situations and actually allow them to excel. She then dives into how introversion is regarded differently among cultures, especially Asian cultures. In the final chapters of the book, Cain discusses situations in which introverts may act more extroverted, as well as offers advice on how people, especially couples, of the opposite type may learn to understand each other better. Throughout the book, Cain cites the results of various research studies and refers to real life quotes to help illustrate her points.

Here are a few of the most memorable takeaways from the book:

- Despite the cultural tendency towards the 'Extrovert Ideal", introversion should not be considered a weakness. Rather, introverts just have a different way of communicating and socializing with others. Even more, introverts have proven to be even more successful than extroverts in certain situations which require leadership and teamwork.

- Studies have shown that there is an underlying biologic difference between introverts and extroverts. For instance, introverts tend to have a "fight or flight" response that is easily triggered, so they may choose not to seek out situations that would result in over-stimulation. The two types also react to dopamine differently, as extroverts tend to get "high" from dopamine more easily and will actively seek out dopamine-releasing activities.

-Introversion and shyness are two different traits, even though they often come hand in hand. Shyness is the fear of social situations, especially fear of disapproval from others. Introverts aren't necessarily afraid of social situations; they may just enjoy them in a different way than extroverts do.

-Introverts may become "pseudo-extroverts" by will through a process called self-monitoring. High self-monitors are able to adapt their behavior to the situation at hand, even if the behavior is outside of what they normally do. This is the mechanism with which some introverts are able to take on and succeed in jobs which call for a more extroverted personality. It is a skill that can be learned and practiced.

The book ends by leaving us with a somewhat unresolved question: Is it ethical for introverts to act like someone else in certain situations, or should introverts stay true to themselves at all times?

I don't see anything wrong with introverts taking on a more extroverted role in situations where doing so would add value, help others, or allow them to pursue something they believe in. For example, when working in a team and a potentially catastrophic flaw is detected, it would definitely be important to speak up and communicate your ideas assertively. Or, in a situation where a friend or family member needs sympathy, it would do well to step out of your comfort zone and show your feelings a bit more than you are used to.

When should an introvert not have to step out of his comfort zone? Simply put, in situations where it is not necessary. For example, if an introvert enjoys spending Friday nights curled up on the couch with a book, there is no reason that he should be forced on go to a rowdy night club or made to feel guilty for not going. The bottom line is, introverts should stretch themselves when necessary but stay true to their inner self, letting their quiet strengths shine through.

The End of the Beginning

It is New Year's Eve, and I just finished watching the sun disappear slowly into the windmill-dotted hills from my bedroom window. The last specks of glowing orange have now turned into a deep gray, signaling the end of the last day of 2012.

I can't believe how fast this year has flown by. Although nothing too dramatic has happened, it's still been a year full of ups and downs, successes and failures, some large and some small. There's been a whirlwind of new encounters and sad goodbyes, triumphs at work as well as disappointments, instances of blissful happiness but also heartbreaks, loads of laughter and tears. Some of that is even getting carried over inevitably into the new year. Everyone says that the new year is a chance to start over, to forget all the bad things that happened in the past year and to begin creating a new you. That's why we have new year's resolutions. Of course, I've made a few of these as I do every year (we'll see if I can actually stick to them!).

This New Year's Eve, however, things feel a little different. As I look to 2013, there are so many changes that are about to happen, or have already happened, that I almost feel like it's the end of an era. There's definitely going to be a lot of excitement, as well as many obstacles to surmount, as a I continue to work hard to reach my goals and to discover myself. There's going to be a lot of new experiences that will challenge me and help me become a stronger, more mature person. There's going to be more risk-taking, which may lead to larger disappointments than I've ever experienced before, but also the possibility of success sweeter than I've ever tasted before, too. I am not looking to "start over", but rather, to take 2012 along with me and continue to expand my horizons and stretch myself as we ring in the new year.

Whether you are out partying or sitting quietly in front of your computer at home, like me, I hope you have a wonderful night and Happy New Year!