Great Expectations

“How come you didn’t call me last night?”

“I’m sorry, I was swamped with work.”

“Too busy to even think about me? What’s more important, your work or your girlfriend?”

“What? I…”

It is not too difficult to see where this unpleasant dialogue is heading. Unfortunately, this type of argument comes up all too frequently in relationships, especially once you’ve gotten over the initial excitement of getting to know each other and have now settled into everyday life. The reason for this is actually quite simple: As a relationship develops, you also begin to develop a set of expectations for each other, whether consciously or subconsciously. When someone fails to meet an expectation, tension breaks out, often leading to arguments. Relationships continue if you are able to meet and satisfy each other’s expectations, and they fail if certain expectations cannot be met. Throughout a relationship, your expectations may evolve. In fact, relationships can be thought of as a continuum of three “stages” based on what you expect from each other.

When your paths first cross, there are no expectations. In fact, many relationships start out as a as a surprise encounter. Perhaps that cute guy you met the other day calls you up suddenly to ask you out.  Or you receive a Facebook message from someone you’ve always wanted to get to know better. Or maybe you receive a bouquet of flowers at your office one day from someone whom you would have least expected. All of these actions lead to a rush of excitement that can only be felt when you are truly caught by surprise.

As you begin to get to know each other better, hopes start to develop. You stay up late hoping for a call and check your phone every few minutes in hopes of a text.  Each time you see each other, you hope to get just a little closer than last time. You hope for that first small physical gesture of caring, that first kiss, or that first confession of feelings. When these hopes are realized, you are no longer surprised, but rather, happy and reassured.

As you settle into a steady relationship, expectations begin to form. These expectations are influenced by your own beliefs and values, the behavior of others around you, as well as the standards set at the beginning of the relationship. For instance, perhaps you feel that it is important to call each other every day as a way to express your care and concern and to remind each other that you are thinking of one another. This may have been influenced by what you’ve observed in your friends’ relationships, as well as movies, books, and other media. Lastly, perhaps you called each other every day when you were just starting out, and you think things should continue this way. A small act that was at first an unexpected surprise, then turned into something you hoped for, has now become something that you expect every night.

When you don’t get something you were hoping for, you feel disappointed, but you do not blame the person because it was only a hope, something that would have been nice to have. However, not getting something you were expecting leads to resentment. This is a challenge that many relationships face and one of the reasons why relationships end up not working out. In a failed relationship, you begin to take each other for granted, expecting things to happen automatically and only noticing when things go wrong. In contrast, it requires effort, cooperation, and dedication in order to both understand and fulfill each other’s needs.  As you work together to create the optimal balance between setting and meeting expectations, this last stage eventually evolves into a deep trust for each other, paving the way for a long-lasting relationship.