The Art of (Real) Listening

Listening is a rather difficult and often underrated skill that is nevertheless crucial to successful communication. Recently, I’ve found that in trying to make myself heard and get recognized for my ideas, I’ve let my listening skills slide a little.
Below are a few conversation blunders I’ve caught myself committing, which I’m sure many of us have been guilty of at some point.

• Thinking about what you're going to say next instead of focusing on what the other person is saying. This often happens when a thought or idea strikes you while someone else is speaking. Instead of actively listening, you simply wait for a pause so that you can jump in.
• Hearing what you want to hear instead of what is actually being said. We naturally want others to agree with us, so often, we may interpret what we hear incorrectly in favor of thoughts and ideas that are aligned with our own. In fact, the other person might have brought up an entirely different or contradicting point.
• Thinking about what you just said instead of listening to the other person's response. One example of this is meeting someone new and then completely forgetting their name within 5 minutes. A reason for this is that we are so caught up with introducing ourselves and making a good first impression that we fail to register the other's response of "Hi, I'm so-and-so."

I've also realized that just because someone is quiet doesn't automatically make them a good listener. On the contrary, for those who are more reserved, sometimes the pressure of having to speak up may make you less engaged as a listener. You may spend most of your time trying to think of something to say and feeling self-conscious, rather than engaging in the conversation. This becomes a bad cycle, because the less engaged you are, the less information you will pick up, and the less likely you will have something to say on the topic.

The first step to becoming a good listener is to be conscious of the issue. Communication is a two-way exchange that involves not only expressing your own thoughts, but hearing what others have to say as well. A frequent misconception is that if someone is not talking, then they must be listening. However, there is a difference between appearing to be listening and actually understanding what others are saying. Truly listening means not only keeping your mouth zipped, but even more, turning off your own preconceptions and biases for the time being and opening your mind to the other person’s thoughts and ideas. Then, when it is your turn to speak, you will be able to respond by both addressing what you have just heard and incorporating your own opinions, leading to a productive and enjoyable conversation.