“How come you didn’t
call me last night?”
“I’m sorry, I was swamped with work.”
“Too busy to even think about me? What’s more important,
your work or your girlfriend?”
“What? I…”
It is not too difficult to see where this unpleasant
dialogue is heading. Unfortunately, this type of argument comes up all too
frequently in relationships, especially once you’ve gotten over the initial
excitement of getting to know each other and have now settled into everyday
life. The reason for this is actually quite simple: As a relationship develops,
you also begin to develop a set of expectations for each other, whether
consciously or subconsciously. When someone fails to meet an expectation,
tension breaks out, often leading to arguments. Relationships continue if you are
able to meet and satisfy each other’s expectations, and they fail if certain
expectations cannot be met. Throughout a relationship, your expectations may
evolve. In fact, relationships can be thought of as a continuum of three “stages”
based on what you expect from each other.
When your paths first cross, there are no expectations. In
fact, many relationships start out as a as a surprise encounter. Perhaps that
cute guy you met the other day calls you up suddenly to ask you out. Or you receive a Facebook message from
someone you’ve always wanted to get to know better. Or maybe you receive a
bouquet of flowers at your office one day from someone whom you would have
least expected. All of these actions lead to a rush of excitement that can only
be felt when you are truly caught by surprise.
As you begin to get to know each other better, hopes start
to develop. You stay up late hoping for a call and check your phone every few
minutes in hopes of a text. Each time
you see each other, you hope to get just a little closer than last time. You
hope for that first small physical gesture of caring, that first kiss, or that
first confession of feelings. When these hopes are realized, you are no longer
surprised, but rather, happy and reassured.
As you settle into a steady relationship, expectations begin
to form. These expectations are influenced by your own beliefs and values, the
behavior of others around you, as well as the standards set at the beginning of
the relationship. For instance, perhaps you feel that it is important to call
each other every day as a way to express your care and concern and to remind
each other that you are thinking of one another. This may have been influenced
by what you’ve observed in your friends’ relationships, as well as movies,
books, and other media. Lastly, perhaps you called each other every day when
you were just starting out, and you think things should continue this way. A
small act that was at first an unexpected surprise, then turned into something
you hoped for, has now become something that you expect every night.
When you don’t get something you were hoping for, you feel
disappointed, but you do not blame the person because it was only a hope,
something that would have been nice to have. However, not getting something you
were expecting leads to resentment. This is a challenge that many relationships
face and one of the reasons why relationships end up not working out. In a
failed relationship, you begin to take each other for granted, expecting things
to happen automatically and only noticing when things go wrong. In contrast, it
requires effort, cooperation, and dedication in order to both understand and
fulfill each other’s needs. As you work
together to create the optimal balance between setting and meeting
expectations, this last stage eventually evolves into a deep trust for each
other, paving the way for a long-lasting relationship.
