The Search

As silly as it may sound, I spent a good part of last year agonizing over the fact that at 25, I still hadn’t found my purpose in life. It seemed that all around me, people were pulling themselves together, setting their minds to the one thing that made them truly happy, and fearlessly chasing their dreams. On the other hand, I still felt as if I were just getting by in life, with a job that I liked but didn’t love, and with a few interesting hobbies but nothing that I would dedicate my life towards. I was lost and confused because I still didn’t know where my passion was.

Passion. As far back as I can remember, the importance of this word has been drummed into me. You must have passion for the language if you really want to learn it, insisted my high school Spanish teacher.  You need to play this Beethoven sonata with more passion, urged my piano teacher. Even during my job interview, the senior manager told me that everyone here has a passion for life sciences. Then there are all those inspirational articles for 20-somethings that seem to be popping up everywhere nowadays, encouraging us to “live life to the fullest by doing only what you love”, and “don’t let anyone or anything prevent you from pursuing your dreams.” And the one that drew me in the most: “If you’re doing something you are truly passionate about, it won’t seem like work at all.” Celebrities, CEO’s, and other successful people, when inquired about how they achieved their goals, often attribute it to passion. All of this has led to a preconceived notion that once we find our passion, all the pieces of our life will fall into place and each day will become effortless, propelled by a strong sense of purpose and excitement.

The only problem is that this is simply not true. First and foremost, just because you are pursuing what you love does not mean that every day is filled with rainbows and butterflies. There will always be days when you’re faced with what may seem like insurmountable obstacles, when the work is so daunting or tedious that you’ll feel like quitting. One reason that many people never find their passion is because they mistakenly believe that passion makes them immune to the hardships and challenges of their work. As soon as they encounter a setback or frustrating moment, they begin to doubt whether they are really “meant for this” after all. In truth, however, passion doesn’t mean a lack of challenges, but rather, it means loving something enough to be able to persist through all the challenges.

Furthermore, passion isn’t some sort of holy grail that is sitting there waiting for you to find. Instead, you need to build, develop, and nurture it. For instance, you could embark on an active search by trying out a bunch of different activities, but chances are, you’ll find that none of these activities really jump out at you. Much like finding your life partner, you seldom know after the first (or even the second or third) time whether this is something you love to do. Instead, you need to take the time and effort to really experience it and gain a deep understanding of all its aspects, before you can develop a passion for it.

I have still not found my passion, but I know now that it is not something to stress over because in many ways, this is a process in which I have control over. Instead of waiting impatiently for the day when I’ll “discover” my passion, I’m pursuing the activities I like, enjoying the fun moments but even more importantly, tackling the tough parts, knowing that in the end, sweat and tears are not a signal to back away, but rather, the only proof of true passion.

Thrive

2014 was a year full of first-times, random victories, and a few interesting experiences, to say the least:

• If you consider Fremont to be a part of the South Bay (which I do), then I have now lived on every side of the Bay Area.
• I learned how to pick/drop people off at the airport.
• I broke my record for total number of flights taken in a year.
• I became a US citizen.
• I attended a wedding for the first time.
• I learned that hanging out with complete strangers can sometimes be fun.
• I began to like programming, which was almost unthinkable a year ago.

Even more, this year I learned to survive by myself. Not in the physical sense, as I've been earning my own food and shelter for some time now, but more so mentally. In many ways, this was the first time I was completely on my own, and I learned how to be happy alone. It was a year of minimal action and more inward reflection. For the first time, I began to really understand myself and even more, to accept both my strengths and weaknesses. I began to understand my potential and what I am truly capable of, and just as importantly, what my limits are.

In 2015, I hope to move from surviving to thriving. I will strive to take what I've learned about myself, build upon it, and let it shine and radiate for the world to see. I will strive to proactively take charge of my weaknesses, even if it means taking risks and stepping out of my comfort zone. I will strive to live life not just happily or contently, but with passion and ambition. If surviving is doing the minimum it takes to make sure my branches are intact and leaves stay green, then thriving is to grow bigger and stronger, to flourish and to blossom.

Here's to a great 2015!

Great Expectations

“How come you didn’t call me last night?”

“I’m sorry, I was swamped with work.”

“Too busy to even think about me? What’s more important, your work or your girlfriend?”

“What? I…”

It is not too difficult to see where this unpleasant dialogue is heading. Unfortunately, this type of argument comes up all too frequently in relationships, especially once you’ve gotten over the initial excitement of getting to know each other and have now settled into everyday life. The reason for this is actually quite simple: As a relationship develops, you also begin to develop a set of expectations for each other, whether consciously or subconsciously. When someone fails to meet an expectation, tension breaks out, often leading to arguments. Relationships continue if you are able to meet and satisfy each other’s expectations, and they fail if certain expectations cannot be met. Throughout a relationship, your expectations may evolve. In fact, relationships can be thought of as a continuum of three “stages” based on what you expect from each other.

When your paths first cross, there are no expectations. In fact, many relationships start out as a as a surprise encounter. Perhaps that cute guy you met the other day calls you up suddenly to ask you out.  Or you receive a Facebook message from someone you’ve always wanted to get to know better. Or maybe you receive a bouquet of flowers at your office one day from someone whom you would have least expected. All of these actions lead to a rush of excitement that can only be felt when you are truly caught by surprise.

As you begin to get to know each other better, hopes start to develop. You stay up late hoping for a call and check your phone every few minutes in hopes of a text.  Each time you see each other, you hope to get just a little closer than last time. You hope for that first small physical gesture of caring, that first kiss, or that first confession of feelings. When these hopes are realized, you are no longer surprised, but rather, happy and reassured.

As you settle into a steady relationship, expectations begin to form. These expectations are influenced by your own beliefs and values, the behavior of others around you, as well as the standards set at the beginning of the relationship. For instance, perhaps you feel that it is important to call each other every day as a way to express your care and concern and to remind each other that you are thinking of one another. This may have been influenced by what you’ve observed in your friends’ relationships, as well as movies, books, and other media. Lastly, perhaps you called each other every day when you were just starting out, and you think things should continue this way. A small act that was at first an unexpected surprise, then turned into something you hoped for, has now become something that you expect every night.

When you don’t get something you were hoping for, you feel disappointed, but you do not blame the person because it was only a hope, something that would have been nice to have. However, not getting something you were expecting leads to resentment. This is a challenge that many relationships face and one of the reasons why relationships end up not working out. In a failed relationship, you begin to take each other for granted, expecting things to happen automatically and only noticing when things go wrong. In contrast, it requires effort, cooperation, and dedication in order to both understand and fulfill each other’s needs.  As you work together to create the optimal balance between setting and meeting expectations, this last stage eventually evolves into a deep trust for each other, paving the way for a long-lasting relationship.